There’s something about Pepper

There is something very magical about our little enchantress.  Usually, I am really good at putting things into words, but for some reason, words fail me when I try to describe the polarizing effect Pepper has on people. She’s magnetic. She’s electric. She’s the pillow you want to hold tight, the puppy you want to hug, the pretty girl you want to see smile, the flower you want to take home, the sunshine that brightens your day and the stars that twinkle against the blackest night.  She’s all of this and much more. She’s a beautiful gift from God who has strengthened our hearts, our family and our love.

When I was pregnant with Pepper, I did not want to know if we were having a boy or a girl. My husband and I love surprises, and we wanted her to be a surprise. The whole pregnancy, I thought we were having another boy. I was certain she was a boy. Everything felt the exact same as my pregnancy with our son. You can imagine my surprise when we were told she was a girl. The tears of joy that stained my face when the doctors told us, are something I will never forget. My life and my heart changed forever at that very moment. Imagine the Grinch when his heart grows three sizes. Yes, my heart grew three sizes that day, and I gained the strength of ten Grinches, plus two. 

What a good thing it is that my heart grew three sizes, as watching our perfect little angel go through electric shocks to her body everyday and wondering what her life will be like as she grows older and faces all these challenges is taking a lofty toll on me. After what felt like a pretty good run through the holidays, I finally cracked. Broke down. Shoulders shaking, tears streaming, nose running, face burning, dry heaving, broke down. Why her? You can’t imagine the overwhelming thoughts running through my mind. A mother’s mind. The: “Did I do something wrong?” “Did I cause this?” “Will she have to suffer all her life through these seizures?” “Will she catch up with her milestones and her developmental delay, or will she struggle to keep up and possibly be bullied for it?” The questions, the self doubt, the fear, the  torture, all running through my head and tearing me apart. I can barely type this now through all my weeping.  There are no answers right now, I realize. And for some of these questions, there will never be an answer. The only way to answer all these questions is to lay them to rest. For they serve no positive purpose along our journey. None at all.  Besides,  Pepper’s bright eyes and sweet smile, deserve far better than “Boo-Hoo”. 

Pepper is destined for something special in her lifetime. I can’t figure it out yet, but as my beautiful friend Rose pointed out, there is something very special about Pepper. Strangers have told us this, her teachers at daycare have told us this, family and friends have told us this, and my heart acknowledged it the minute she was formed. She is a very important person and her life has a deeper meaning than any of us can ever imagine. We need her every bit as much as she needs us. As I watch her sleep, and I see her dreaming, I whisper the words I love you, and I will always be here for you. For you are a precious gift to us and to this world. Thank you for choosing us.