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Closing Time

Posted on Feb 28, 2017 by in Blog | 3 comments

“Sir, if you won’t be needing me, I’ll close down for a while.” – C3PO

Interesting that a futuristic gilded space butler can take some time to shut down and recharge, but us so-called “super-moms” feel we cannot.

When was the last time you said to someone, if you’ll not be needing me, I’ll shut down for a while? If you are anything like me, probably never. The fact of the matter is, we really don’t ever shut down. Even when we try to shut out the noise and chaos around us, we are still enslaved by our electronic devices.  We are constantly checking our emails, checking on our friends and acquaintances, searching for ideas, planning our one-ups, gauging popular opinion.  It was with this in mind, that this past Christmas, I gifted myself with something so simple and practical, yet magically liberating.  It was a total  joke, because I am still somewhat imprisoned by the ominous red glow of this magical gift.  Yes, I gifted myself with an old-school,  analog alarm clock.  Its huge red numbers glow proudly on my nightstand, advising me whether I can sleep in, or whether I need to wake up. Simple, right? What this magical gift gave me, however, was freedom from my smart phone. I am no longer pulled into the rabbit hole of checking my email for work messages, or checking social media for matters that make zero difference in my life at all random hours of the night simply through the pure coincidence of me checking my phone. Whatever it is, it can wait. Unless it’s a seizure, it can wait.

Which brings me to an update on our family. Pepper has been going through changes in her seizures.  She has been having more frequent seizures with less predictability and she has been having tonic clonic (convulsive) seizures more frequently which have been completely wiping her out. Her poor body, exhausted from all the whole body muscles spasms and twitches. Her brain spent from the mis-fires and electric pulses throughout. It has been both worrisome and heartbreaking.  There is still nothing we can do. We do know that the hospital has began clinical trials for CBD oil (extracted medical marijuana oil).  However, at this time, Pepper is not a candidate for these trials. So we wait. More waiting, more unanswered questions.

Pepper’s big brother has been doing well. He got very spoiled at Christmas and he had some time to get to know his new friends better. We all built an epic snowman together and the kids took advantage of the snow by tobogganing down the piles of hill on the front lawn. I see a daredevil in the making. We also have caught a few Pokemon here and there. What can I say? Sometimes fantasy is just as good as reality. In our case, it comes as a necessary distraction.

Daddy has been working hard. He took a contract at a school steps away from my childhood home, where my mother still lives. It’s nice to have him close to her in case she needs never-ending IT support. Wait…  His photography has become even more of a passion. He has been engaged on all kinds of photography assignments including proposals, engagements, weddings, gender reveals, babies, and everything in between.

Myself, I have been dangling from that rope suspended in the middle of the school gym.  Hanging on, but not daring to move.  Not sure whether to climb up or to slide down. Things have been so busy for me. Between work and caring for the family, some days I have to ask people several times whether or not I have responded to them. Did I forget anyone? Did I miss something?  It’s really tough to keep track, and I desperately needed that holiday break over Christmas. I cherished every second of being with my family, spending time together and not rushing here or there or attending appointments or killing myself to make work deadlines.  But if I am being very honest, it just wasn’t enough. Fifteen minutes after sitting down at my desk and logging onto my computer, my shoulders tensed, my breaths became shallow and the chest felt tight again. Roll in chest pains, and sigh…

Sir, if you’ll not be needing me, I’ll shut down for a while..


  1. oh hun. Its so so hard what you are doing. I do hope you manage to find some time to “shut” down and be you again, even for a bit. Much hugs and love to you all, Jennifer and John xoxoxox

  2. It’s a marathon not a sprint, pace yourself we say and that works for awhile. But sometimes we are drowning and need those around us push us into a life preserver not just to remark how good at treading water we are. Everyone needs you so much but if you end up with an autoimmune disease where will they be. Walk away to recharge before your body goes on strike. Yes bad things may happen while you are gone but selfcare helps the whole family. I suspect that this pace cannot be sustained much longer.

  3. Hey very nice blog!

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